Why?!? Let’s recap shall we?
Monday I come into work. Still groggy. I mean 10AM is the crack of dawn isn’t it? I hear my Staff give me greetings. I mumble back. Log onto to my Computer and start chatting a Staff member privately via g-chat:
Me to Steve: I know you have this very important presentation today. I really tried to pull it together even though I was up all night and I forgot to take my migraine meds, blah, blah, blah
Steve: What presentation?!?
I am thinking… Really? You’ve been prepping for 2 months, how can you be asking me this.
I go to respond and realize Steve is not actually Steve but a woman in Accounting.
Me: Sorry you’re not Steve
Woman in Accounting: LOL
Me: Story of my Life
Woman in Accounting: I hear ya.
So if anyone says Accountants don’t have a sense of humor, they are mistaken
One of my staff sent an e-mail first thing today: “What is next to your head in this picture?”
It’s really quite simple. I decided to update my Profile pic last week as a reminder that my sanity is hanging by a very thin thread. You see this photo was taken as I was giving my daughter a driving lesson. About 15 miles into it she asks, “What’s wrong with your sunglasses? You keep looking at me with that one eye and it’s freaking me out.” I yanked down the sun-visor and ayup!
Story of my life.
It may have something to do with my son who’s already made me forget I raised two daughters successfully to adulthood. On my own. His non-stop shenanigans are exhausting, exasperating, and entertaining all at the same time. I definitely have to keep an eye on him.
I’ve recently discovered when tells me, “I’m going to WalGreens” that’s code for “I’m headed to wherever the heck I feel like in a 10 mile radius.”
Did he miss the MEMO? I’m the parent. Ya that one.
It’s not like he’s not busy enough or bright! Not only can he calculate math in his head faster than me, but he also wants to do just about everything: soccer, dance, karate, band, street hockey, computer club. Yet somehow, he always needs more.
The other night he started asking if he could name our next dog. “How about Issac?,” he asked. I shook my head. “Why not Moses then?” So I inquired, “Buddy why the Biblical names?”
He tells me. “I already burned through my required Summer reading so I’m on page 300 of the Holy Bible.
And I thought 5 weeks of Summer Camp would be enough.
You know things are bad when my 11-year-old son is giving me advice. And I’m taking it.
Yaa. I’ve really been riding that struggle bus lately. So when my very smart boy overheard me complaining about how tired I am by week’s end, he told me just how to handle the situation.
It was all good until last Friday when my boss asked out of the blue, “Hey what does Casual Friday mean to you?” I thought for a minute about how I’d showered the night before, slept in the shirt I was now sporting and literally rolled out of bed. Next, I had pulled on the closest pair of jeans I could find -sans underwear- and headed into the office. Therefore I opted to respond with, “How about I tell you after my Quarterly Review?”
Today sucked. Totally.
Right as I am getting into the Holiday groove I get the wind knocked out of me by bronchitis. After sucking on a bottle of NyQuil for a couple of days I dragged my sorry ass back to work. Unfortunately I swapped over to “Daygels” not realizing they’re synonymous to dryheaves. Good times.
Still, I had an appointment I couldn’t break so onward I marched. At this point, giving ZERO shits what I looked like I threw on some stretch pants (yep, stretch not yoga), slipper socks, sports bra, and t-shirt…cause I’m hot as fruck -then without even checking for camel-toe headed out the door.
Were all eyes on me at the meeting? Well ya. That is until I announced I may vomit at any moment.
Suddenly no one wanted to look in my direction at all.
I admit it. Coffee Hour does not interest me. After Church, I have places to go. Usually a visit with my Mom or Dad. However this month, I was voluntold to pick a week to host, as it is the Worship Committee’s month for Coffee Hour.
I’m no Bette Crocker. But I can bake. When I’m in the mood. I am after all the resident Birthday cake baker for everyone at work.
In any event, just when I’m thinking this really couldn’t be difficult I receive an evening phone call from the Worship Committee Head where she fires off about 50 different types of coffee and tea I’d need to make, “Regular. Plain. Flavored. Decaf. Half-Cafe…”
Whoa, heeey, wait a minute here. Coffee?!?
Don’t drink it. Never brewed it. Not a clue how to. But I say, “Sure thing,” and make a mental note to call my daughter away at college for consult as she does drink coffee – and works at Dunk’n Donuts. For one, what the fruck is a Half-Cafe?
So we should be good to go here.
And if it’s no one’s Birthday tomorrow, it’s about to be because I only have muffin liners which say, “Happy Birthday!”
“Mommy’s always laughing,” my son said the other day. True. I do have the sense a humor of a teenage boy and cannot help that I am easily entertained. Besides, I know some hilarious mother-fruckers. How can I not Laugh Out Loud all day long?
My children? Well they deserve their own tale, so let’s keep it moving…
Like my Staff. All very hard-working, exceptionally talented but keeping up with their texts and g-chats is rather amusing as they are usually reporting what I have done, haven’t done, what they are doing, and/or who or what is annoying them. Whether I am at work, they are at work. Or not.
On any given day, without any given notice, I will receive messages such as the following:
– fyi, i feel fat today
– you just ass dialed me btw lol
– i don’t like this Google update, so i sent it back
– no one will cover me
– X’s phone is ringing too loud
– your schedule says you are on and off on the same day. fyi.
– shoot me. X is e-mailing me engagement rings.
– you booked a meeting at your desk. no room!
– so no joke, just saw X cleaning her ears in the cafe with a straw. I want to go home.
– Blues is on his Bluetooth at his desk yelling at a credit card company. These people. I swear.
– According to FB you’re at Victoria’s Secret. Find me a hot chic buying sexy lingerie. Thanks
And my Boss… Will never call me out exactly, but tactfully point out my missteps: “Hi there, Great work! Nice details. In your summary below did you call this ‘The Google’ Meeting?” Ya I did. Because after 17 hours of Google crashing I was chanting “Bite Me Google” and then presto like MAGIC I wrote it down. Bahahahaha. Doesn’t that happen to everyone?
Or at the office one day when I decided to saunter into the Mother’s Room (before I realized everyone used it as a dressing room after hours). There on the chair was my long-lost sweater. I immediately starting laughing so hard I had to take a seat. Funny why? Well it had been a good 10 years since I’d nursed a baby.
Then I noticed the upgrades. Fridge. Ok ya. That makes sense. But a TELEPHONE. What would one be needing with a phone while they are in there pumping milk?!? To…Call for help? Phone for pizza? Answer a page? Whoa wait, do people actually take calls in here now. Shit I know we have to multi-task…but SERIOUSLY?!?
I am cackling away when one of my Staff walks in and says, “Ya I figured it was you in here laughing by yourself.”
So of course I feel compelled to explain. Snickering she responds, “Well why don’t you just send a message to Operations and ask why they put a phone in here like you always do when you want something.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
She says, “Oh like remember the time your shirt busted open in front of everyone and you e-mailed OPS to report you had a “wardrobe malfunction.” THAT’s why we gave you the Wardrobe Emergency Kit for Christmas with the double-sided tape.
Ya so I think my job here is Done.
Mini-Me is off vacationing this week and in her typical fashion is ignoring all forms of communication. She is pretty fantastic at that. The ignoring thing. I sort of admire this trait about her actually, Although it IS annoying as all heck when I want to get a hold of her. She never does answer her phone, and this days on end sh&t has me fit to be tied.
Unlike Drama Jr. and myself who are complete and total maniacs – “Let’s go! Let’s go now! Where the fruck is everyone?!? We have to get this done!” – Mini-Me is very calm, easy-going. agreeable, kind, and exceptionally patient,.
The funniest thing about her? While she can walk a mean stride, she finds no reason to rush. Anything!
So if you try to confront her about something, she simply ignores you. It is probably why she has never had her heart broken. To my knowledge, no one has been able to quite catch her yet. If she gets chased too hard or they misstep, she just very nicely walks away. And forgot trying to get any information out of her. She will not say a word! To anyone!
But get this! After both her and Drama Jr. leave in the SAME WEEK and I am already suffering major withdrawals so I’m texting, calling, e-mailing some of it about important stuff. Really, I am not just a Mom freaking out. Ok I am a Mom freaking out. Yet still, I do have to information to pass along to her. Finally in MY typical fashion I contact her friend she is with and ask her to have Mini-Me call me!!!
At last, Mini-Me gets back to me and I remind her it doesn’t take much time to respond and my sweet, agreeable, kind daughter replies,
“Mommy, it’s not as if the world is going to come to an end.”
As I have mentioned more than once, being on the Worship Committee at Church, part of this means I am in charge of the flowers. I know nothing about flowers but really great with decorating, crafts and take exceptional pride about doing everything well and doing it right.
Yet it seems I can get never anything right with these flowers. So I am constantly being micro-managed by the Worship Head. No word of a lie it took 4 hours the Sunday before Easter until I had placed the Flowers properly around the altar to her satisfaction.
Today a year later, my patience finally wore out when she asked if I could bring the flowers to the church earlier in the week because she didn’t think they were there soon enough. I said, “Sorry but no. Why wouldn’t this have been mentioned from the start? I barely have time to pick up the arrangements on Saturday before the Florist closes.” I went on to say I really felt despite my best efforts I receive nothing but criticism here, that I had purposely chosen a small congregation but this place seemed very cliquey, it was annoying how she walked around staring during the service instead of worshiping, did she even realize or appreciate how often I pay for the flowers myself because there were so few worshipers here…and furthermore isn’t Church supposed to be about God and people?
All of a sudden my phone started vibrating…I looked down and noticed it was Mini-Me Facebook chatting. Apparently she had snuck in to where the two of us were talking “privately” – listening to every word.
I read her message: “Don’t get ur panties up in a bunch…o wait u don’t have any panties on”
Wooow. I quickly apologize to the Worship Head and walk out.
Drama Jr. strolled in yesterday and asked, “What’s Going on Here?” I replied, “You mean what’s NOT going on here.”
I quit taking my Migraine Meds hence my OCD returned full force at 4AM. Sooo, I tore apart the house convinced I could have a re-org done by 7:30AM in time to VPN for work. Ya. The thing is I wasn’t counting on lightening knocking out my piece of shit router again. While I spent 2 hours troubleshooting hardware, my little lad had a mini-mantrum because he didn’t like the breakfast choices and accused me of starving him.
Needless to say, I didn’t kick off work on time and it only got worse from there as my nerves were shot, I got a Migraine –and I spent the day trying to concentrate on my work while Layla kicked her water dish incessantly to remind me Bosco had drunk out of HER bowl again (ie. every other hour in the 90 degree heat).
Upon returning home, my son resumed another fit insisting he “had” to go to the Ice Cream Social at the school because there were “at least 30 kids waiting” for him. I said, “I don’t
give a shit care if there will be 3000 kids waiting, you have Dance! At which point Drama Jr. entered. After listening to all of the aforementioned my 21 year-old snickered, told her baby brother, “Get off the floor you look like an idiot!,” and walked away.
If only it had stopped there. But it didn’t. Later on, Mini-Me (aka Snow White), insisted she needed to know what a “Thirsty-Hoe” was.
“Heck if I know, I shouted (by this point completely frenzied), “Google it!”
Well I be damned, that shit is on U-tube. Who knew?