dude Tale – What a man
There is one very important man in my life these days. Mr. Boscorelli. For those of you whom don’t know him personally, he usually goes by Bocso for short. While he is generally a very good companion, he does have some, shall we say, distasteful habits. I mean he really can be a Rude Dude.
For one thing, he kisses my guests without asking. I am not talking about a quick peck on the cheek either. It’s more like something out of 9 and 1/2 weeks. Why will he not heed my “no deep throat” command? I don’t know, he doesn’t say.
The biggest issue we have right now is that he leaves without saying good-bye. If he can quietly slip-out past one of the kids, he does. If I call to him, he pretends he doesn’t know his name even though I pay all the bills here, including groceries. Now I don’t generally chase men, but he leaves me with no other choice. More than once I’ve had to run after him, reminding him who actually wears the pants in this house.
He also belches. Loudly. Without even an, “Excuse me.” Ewwe, how rude.
And I know he can talk, because one time I opened front door when he was going to take me for an evening stroll and there sat a cat. Right at the top of my front steps. He clearly whined two words, “JACK-POT.” Uh-huh! I have witnesses.
Although he can talk, he is a man of few words. Except for at night when I am trying to sleep.Why? Because he wants something. What? Hamsters.
Even though I have ensured these annoying nocturnal critters reside two stories up behind a closed door he can still hear them (his hearing is rather sharp, his listening quite poor). So he reminds me every few hours throughout the night of just what he wants. Thanks dude. When he does decide to catch some zzz’s I am often treated by his SNORING. Do all dudes snore? Just asking.
Another thing I can tell you about my man is that he is definitely a foot guy. I have woken to him licking my toes on more than one occasion. That was, well, interesting. At least he is great in the personal hygiene department. I just wish he wouldn’t kick it off before, say, 5-5:30 AM. He began one tongue power-washing session at 4 AM, and no word of a lie, it lasted for 3 hours. I finally had to put the kibosh on that one.
I do want to give some props to my man because even though he does have some bad habits, he has some fab qualities too! Bosco is very,very handsome. Long, lean, and muscular. He works on his fitness, and it shows. Also, while the time he takes on hygiene may be atypical for a dude, can be annoying at 4AM, it is nice to know he will always be fresh and well-groomed.
In addition, he plays very well with my son. A must for any in man my life.
He usually does quite well with the neighborhood children as well. Unless the Nerf guns come out and are pointed towards my son. If they are, Bosco will remember he was named for Officer Boscorelli on Third Watch, and will quickly disarm any and all offenders by knocking them down to ensure my little guy is safe. If an adult appears to be playing roughly with my son, he will go for their shoes, darting back and forth so they cannot pass. I often have to remind my Rude Dude Grandad is just playing soccer. What is interesting is that Bosco will only protect my boy. The rest of us can fend for ourselves.
Bosco also knows all his commands, and learned them in record time as a pup. He does a beautiful sit, stay, down. Recall? Like I said, Eh, not so much. Hence, I must keep my man on a short leash. Unless of course we are in the privacy of our own gated yard. Even then, I have to keep an eye on him because I have seen him open doors, gates, scale kennels. He has also been trained to sit on the indoor stairs when guests arrive. So when he sees me head for the front door now, he goes to the stairs automatically. This helps remind my dude not to be so rude to our guests, and that he really shouldn’t leave without checking with the lady of the house first.
What I love most about my dude is that he CAN be quite a gentlemen. I arrived home rather late one night to complete darkness. While I could not see a thing as I headed up my walk, I could hear both my Boxers wigging and wagging in excitement. Next I heard Bosco jump once, on came the light interior directly behind my first door. This was immediately followed by a second jump where the front door exterior light illuminated.
This is truly the most amazing thing any man of his sort has ever done for me.
Since he is so brilliant, I am now trying to teach him to read. Just like when the kids were first learning, Bosco and I are starting out with repetition. For now we are just working with the following letter. I read it to him every so often, especially after he eats a little bit too much grass at night because I know what will likely happen later.
I’d very much appreciate that the next time you must vomit if you cannot be bothered to make even the slightest attempt to head to the door to be let out as Layla does that you at least step off the area carpet. Furthermore, when I turn my back to grab gear to clean it up with, please do NOT then go and eat your own vomit because Dude that’s just gross.
Your Very Loving Owner
ps: feel free to continue helping me clean up the kid’s vomit