dentist Tale – Mr. Thirsty and Me

It may not be funny my eldest gal is a Biology Major with a concentration in Dental Hygiene.

What IS funny, is her mother has not been touched by a Dental Hygienist in over 20 years.

Once upon a time I was being hacked by a hygienist, and I accidentally slapped her hand away from my mouth. I was bleeding profusely, and decided from that day forward there would be nary be another hygienist for me.

Alas, this damsel searched near and far across the land, for the one and only Dentist she’d allow to pry open her lips again. 

Yes indeedy, although I was nearly 9 months pregnant at the time, finding a new Dentist became my main priority. I am obsessed with oral hygiene, you see. I brush thrice a day, and floss constantly. I have every flosser, picker, sticker, and scraper you can buy, as I cannot stand the feeling of anything being in between my teeth.  These items must be with me at all times, as well as a mirror, so I can visually inspect my teeth several times a day to ensure nothing is trapped in there.

Fortunately, as luck would have it, I found an ad for a “Gentle Dentist” and she has been caring for me ever since. She does not use Dental Hygienists, so handles even routine cleanings herself. However, even with my wonderful, kind, caring Dentist, I am just not an ideal patient.

Hey, what can I say? I just don’t like shit in my mouth unless I put it there myself.

All the things they have coming at me freak me out completely. I need to inspect the tools to see what they are, and know what they are going to be doing. Anything which lights up like with a red-tip for instance? A definite no-go. There also is no such thing as too much Novocaine.

Unmedicated child-birth?  Sure I’ve done those. Yet for a filling, there had best be enough numbing to put down a horse thank you.

Truly though, the biggest thing I hate about going to the dentist, is when I am getting my teeth cleaned or anything, I cannot swallow, and it really bugs me. I feel like I am going to choke! Ack!

This bring me to my greatest enemy at the Dentist’s office.

Mr. Thirsty.

No I did not name him. This is what they call him. He is supposed to suck up the saliva so I do not have to swallow. Ya well I still don’t like him. He feels like a mini-vacuum cleaner in my mouth.

Like the other day, when my mouth got tired while awaiting crown cement to dry, I closed it – for just a second. Mr. Thirsty took this opportunity to start sucking up my tongue. I almost couldn’t break him free.

I yanked him out bellowing to the dentist’s assistant, “Hey, he is going to swallow me!”

She suggested I stay “calm” which I wanted to tell her, I don’t even know the meaning of the word.  But instead, I put Mr. Thirsty back in, and waited the remainder of the 8 minutes for the stuff to dry. Following this, she said I could take him out and “relax” until the Dentist came back in.

Well she didn’t have to tell me twice.

I quickly snatched Mr. Thirsty back out and stared him down, laughing hysterically over the fact this silly little sucker could even give me the willies.

While I was waiting for the Dentist to return, I overheard the assistant say I was “losing it” in there. I guess they know me pretty well.

Upon returning  home, my kids asked me take them swimming. Sorry, but not. I was so traumatized I said I needed at least two hours to do some deep-breathing and relaxation.

My skinny-mini-me warned, “Mommy, don’t be like me, and end up having to see the Dentist who gives laughing gas.”  LOL. This girl is priceless. Isn’t this what the parent usually says (don’t be like me)?

Yes, well she is definitely her mother’s daughter. No worries though doll. While I am not a fan of Mr. Thirsty, I do adore my Dentist.

Therefore, I will brave his insatiable appetite for saliva, the likelihood he will next go for my tongue, and the potential, however slight, he may possibly even swallow me whole one day.

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